Leaving Illinois

I can't believe I have been here for 2 weeks. The time just flew past without me even noticing.  I had such a fantastic time with Karl, and all of Karl's family. Everyone was just so nice. And being able to live with Karl, be with him 24/7, and sleep next to him. I had a really great time, and wish I could stay.

Right now, sitting at the Los Angeles airport, waiting for my next flight, which is in 6 hours time. I'm feeling pretty bummed. I feel like I should be looking forward to going home, but I'm really not. After these 2 weeks, I feel like there is nothing there for me at home. In Illinois, I had fanstastic, fun loving, kind family. And I had Karl. Going home to New Zealand seems almost pointless. I really don't want this to end.
 
I miss him already. I feel it in the pit of my stomach.  On the flight from St Louis to Los Angeles, images of Karl kept popping into my head. Some make me smile, some make me cry. 

I remember:

• the first day I arrived in St Louis. Karl came up behind me, kicked me in the back of my backpack, and then we hugged and walked down the corridor and met his Mom and Stepdad. Then we had a long, blissful ride to Illinois where we ate dinner.
• us playing Super Mario Bros Wii with the family. Everytime we all died, we'd laugh, and he'd look at me with a look of adoration in his eyes.
• every night, when we were sleeping, he'd turn over and put his arms around me, kiss me, and tell me he loves me.
• that first morning, he woke up. He looked at me sadly and said "Did you break up with me?" He told me he had a dream that I broke up with him, he was so scared.
• the night he held me as he was falling asleep, and he said "Ruby? Will you marry me?" And my stupid response of "seriously?"
• that day he threw a tantrum about me posting his photos on facebook, and the apology afterward. The way we hugged, and the way he told me he loved me.
• the car ride back up to St Louis. He looked at me with his glistening eyes, and smiled at me and mouthed "I love you", and he squeezed my hands. That pushed me over the edge. He watched my reaction, and said "don't do it..." And low and behold, tears flowed out of my eyes.
• the moment before he went through security. He held me so tight, and told me to stay strong.

Right now, I wish only for two things to happen sooner. First is that he would get to Seattle, and text me. I just want to hear from him. I want to hear his voice. I want to be comforted by him. I want to tell him I love him. And I miss him already.  The other is that I wish the time for my flight would come sooner. So I can get on the plane and go to sleep or stare out the window and not feel like I have eyes on me while I cried. And that way, I would get home sooner, and hop into bed and really sob till I get it fully out of my system.

I love him so much. I am so greatful that I found someone like him. I hope I will never do anything that would make him leave. I never want to lose him.